How I infuriate people and lose friends; a memoir. Sort of.


I feel like deleting my blog right now; but hey, one day I might find it again after years of ignoring it, read the contents, and laugh.  Laugh till I die. Then I would never have to worry about dumb blogs ever again.

~ Guess who I’ve pissed off recently~

Before I continue I would like to remind you, the reader, that I am an absolutely horrible person and an even worse friend. And I am not changing.

I self-sabotage all my relationships and friendships and I think the underlying cause of all this is that I think I am not worthy of  having friends. Or I think I’m too proud and just don’t appreciate them enough. Pick one.

I actually don’t mind losing friends, it’s something I decided a long time ago. That I don’t need them and that people are easily replaceable.  Also I hate people and it is emotionally draining for me to actually, like, talk to strangers and then proceed to “build” a  friendship.

I’d love to categorize myself as having social anxiety unfortunately my mother and people around me in general would just brush it off as being antisocial, even though I seem to have most of the symptoms of a person suffering from the fear/discomfort of socializing.

Probably won’t publish this but I need to vent out my sadness and emptiness and perhaps if I fill myself up with disgust and cringe-worthy posts it’ll get rid of the emptiness inside.

It is so hard knowing that there are people out there who enjoy and appreciate the things you do but live on the other side of the planet, and knowing that these people exist but being too afraid  of looking for them and too afraid of wasting time with the wrong people just make things worse.

I really don’t see the point in knowing people in real life anymore. It’s not like we live in a time where having friends in faraway places is an impossible thing. Humans have come so far from back when we were, well, whatever we were.  I’m just really upset right now.

It’s like I can’t even post my opinions on the internet anymore. The whole point of posting opinions on the internet is to rant and vent your frustrations knowing that there might possibly be people who agree with you, and if there are, you can join a group chat and bitch about the thing you hate together! Which is great.

I am not a respectful person, I am a rude twat who complains and hates on everything. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I enjoy being a twat because being rude is bEING MYSELF.

I HATE SUCCUMBING TO PEER PRESSURE. I HATE THE OUTDOORS. I FIND OVEREXERTING YOUR BODY POINTLESS. I AM NOT AN ARTSY FART. I DON’T ENJOY THE GUILT THAT COMES WITH FEELING OBLIGATED TO DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE; AND I STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT I SHOULD SAY NO TO WHATEVER  WHENEVER I DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE IT, REGARDLESS OF WHAT PEOPLE MIGHT THINK.

I LOVE MOVIES. I ENJOY LISTENING TO FILM SCORES AND SOUNDTRACKS. I THOROUGHLY LOVE THE FEELING OF BEING ABSORBED IN A BOOK. MINIMALIST ART IS THE ONLY KIND I ENJOY. I THINK CONQUERING MOUNTAINS AND SHIT IS WEIRD.  AND THERE IS NOTHING IN THE WORLD I APPRECIATE MORE THAN SOLITUDE AND PRIVACY.

I think I just wrote the most accurate About Me in the history of my life.  Whoop dee doo.

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TEENAGERS SCARE THE LIVING SHIT OUT OF ME.


um. hi. I feel pretty bad right now because, well, I haven’t posted all the things I said I would. Also it is 5am and I should be sleeping but hey, I’m going through a thing.

And because I am feeling particularly generous today I shall share a useful bit of information to all you idiots out there:

HAVING.

FEELINGS.

SUCK.

ESPECIALLY if they are for someone else like FAK U NO YOUR FEELINGS ARE YOURS AND ONLY YOURS YOU ARE NOT OBLIGED TO HAVE FEELINGS FOR ANYONE/EVERYONE. AND ESPECIALLY, ESPECIALLY IF THEY ARE ROMANTIC FEELINGS.

Okay so I’ve been writing to a friend who lives on the other side of the planet and we’ve been corresponding through tumblr’s mail thingy (which pretty much sucks but it’s bearable) and we have concluded that there is no friggin point dating and being all lovey-dovey during your teenage years because:

1: we are teenagers and our hormones are still running riot and therefore we are idiots

and

2: crushes suck.

That is all.

Oh,  I almost forgot,

3: Thea is a hypocrite who hates others because she hates herself and she also gives terrible advice and she is bitter because of THING.

What is the thing, you may wonder. Well, let me tell you a story.

Once upon a time, there was girl. Girl lived in africa before moving to civilization. Girl then joins “cool” clique. Girl turn cool/bad. Girl go through thing and has regret and heart-to-heart with eVery1. Den girl say she wan do betta. den she do the do. The end.

But that is not my story. My story is a little more tragic and sadistic and a little complicated with just a pinch of drama and a whole lot of GODDAMMIT THEA WHY JFC WHYYYY thrown in.

I thought writing this and making it public would help me with my feels but it is not helping and now I feel like hanging myself. But I am unfortunately incapable of tying a noose.

So basically I was more of an idiot than usual and I developed feelings for this great gentleman who may or may not have felt the same way and it was the “may or may not” that was the problem. Y’see kids, sometimes it is SO MUCH EASIER when you tell someone how you really feel and not be a vague little bitch about it. That way, you probably won’t have as many miscommunications and you will know if the other person likes you back or not!!!! I know it’s hard for some people, but life would be much easier if everyone were just a little more honest. And when I say honest I mean honest about their feelings like if a nickname a friend calls you offends you you should probably tell them that but if you don’t like someone’s curtains you should probably just keep it to yourself idk it’s not really considered being honest it’s just being unnecessarily direct. And rude.

Also I think it would be nice if everyone just admitted they like each other if they do. What exactly is the point of keeping it a secret, there’s  a 50-50 chance he or she likes you as well! Unless they’re already in a relationship then you probably shouldn’t wreck it because teenage girls are nasty. And also rude.

Yeah so my kokoro got brokoro and I chose to have it broke-ACTUALLY NO I DID NOT, SOMEONE WAS OVERREACTING. AND I WAS IN SHOCK. AND VERY CONFUSED BECAUSE LET ME TELL YOU IT SUCKS NOT KNOWING WHAT YOU ARE TO SOMEONE.

Yeah.  I guess that was the whole point of this post, to say that it is absolutely horrible to not know what you are to someone. Even if you think you’ve already broken things off, but you’re not sure, it’s a feeling that kills you inside. It is one of the worst emotional pains and one of the worst things you could ever do to someone; but the thing is, you might not even know you’re doing it, and if you are vaguely aware of it but decide to just let the other person deal with it ~EFF YOUUUU EFF YOU VERY VERY MUUUCH~.

this is starting to sound like a whiny brokenhearted 12yo girl post but wtvr. I don’t think I can do this anymore. But I have to continue this post.

It does not matter how slow you go so long as you do not stop.

Because it’s as if having feelings wasn’t bad enough so you have to deal with not knowing if he or she feels the same way. It’s like having a bipolar ferret who you think loves you because he sometimes lets you cuddle him but most of the time he just bites. It is like the ferret only about a dozen times worse. Because animal bites heal, while wounds of the heart are a different matter. And when I say heart I mean the metaphorical one not like you have a gaping wound in your chest kinda thing.

So yes, I am pretty sad. I’m always moody but this is a different kind of sad. Partly because things did not go the way I expected them to, and partly because I did not act the way I wanted to. But it is too late for all that and now I shall end this post with a song I’ve been listening to over and over again because the lyrics struck a chord with me, most of P!atd’s songs are fantastic and they have great, catchy lyrics but this is the first one that actually reminded me of someone because the lyrics suit that person so well.

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