vulnerable [vuhl-ner-uh-buh l]
He told me that, basically, I would never have the ideal friendship I wanted if I didn’t show vulnerability and OPEN UP, IMMEDIATELY! Not those exact words, but it was implied.
After comparing my friendship and his friendship with Person X, he pretty much said that I wasn’t putting enough effort into being a good person and getting over my past and the trauma I experienced with K. Sorry, my friend, but not everyone gets over things like that that quickly. Maybe I’ll never get over it. Maybe I’ll have to live with this gaping sore that will never heal. That’s my problem.
I get that you’re trying to convert me and to get me to see things from your point of view so you get a free pass to heaven and all, I don’t know how it works but I think you’re doing it wrong. I don’t feel enlightened, I am furious at how inconsiderate and insensitive you are.
You heartless motherfucker, so busy preaching and educating yourself you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be human, and that other people have feelings too. And that no one thinks exactly like you do.
I’m really not one to talk, but I personally feel that it is very fucked up to pressure people into changing, even if it will, OF COURSE, improve their lives and change their world. That is, in a nutshell, peer-pressuring. Oh, you’re not a bully? Only bullies do that? But that is exactly what you’re doing here, pal. You can’t change someone or something that doesn’t want to or isn’t ready for that change. If you force a caterpillar out of its cocoon before its time, it will die. If you can’t stand what someone is doing to themselves, do what I did; leave.
The best part about this was that you genuinely thought you had the power to inspire me to change and turn my life around. That you thought I couldn’t see how warped your point of view was, by religion and infatuation. You never got over her, you’re still in love, you just won’t admit it. Won’t admit that you can’t see straight because she’s all you ever think about. And so you keep comparing our relationships, yours, mine and hers. It’s not the same. Because I’m not the one who is hopelessly in love.
I consider people who lie to themselves the most dishonest of all. That you can’t even admit you’re infatuated with someone.
Love is not acceptance. Acceptance is just acceptance. Love is more than that. I hope one day you experience what it is.
I’m not the most open person in the world, I know that. I don’t like talking about how I feel, because I feel as though it is akin to showing weakness. I am so afraid of telling things to what might turn out to be the wrong people. The thought of opening up and sharing things from the depths of my soul terrifies me so much. “Opening up” is such a vague term, if you really wanted to know more about me, you’d have had specific questions prepared.
I just really needed to get this off my chest.