ave atque vale

Cliches are the only thing I have left.

I would like to make this blog private, but what’s the point if you have subscribers anyway. Yay me. I don’t mind you reading this, but please don’t ever bring this up in person. This was written when I was feeling too little and too much all at the same time and needed an outlet in which to vent. And who knows, maybe in a month or two I’ll look back on this and laugh. I doubt it. 

I can’t believe I’m writing this, but it’s 3am and I feel as though I have no one else to talk to.

I can’t believe I lost you, my friend.

I never thought it would be you. I thought we’d always be together.

I can’t believe I was foolish enough to think we were a team. I can’t believe I thought I was irreplaceable.

And worst of all, I can’t believe I forgot that people change and have every right to. I lost myself in this deluded fantasy where everything would be sunshine and daisies as long as we had one another. It was entirely my fault. For thinking I meant as much to you as you did to me. I was clinging on to you like you were a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. I was so determined to make this last. To prove that I could at least have one proper, perfect friendship. To prove that I wasn’t a total fuckup.

And I thought that, since we’ve made it through all these years, we’d make it to the rest of our lives. How silly I was to not notice your disgust towards me.

This isn’t like me at all. I haven’t made a single lame pun or misspelled anything accidentally-on-purpose. Then again, I don’t really know what I’m like anymore.

I do think it’s for the best. I’ve always yearned to have a friend that I’ve known since my early teens to grow up with. I just forgot that people change and humans are fickle, unpredictable beings.

I never knew you would do things you promised me you wouldn’t.  Or lie to me. Worst of all, I can’t believe how easily I’m letting you go. I thought I never would. But I’ve been proven wrong again.

There comes a time when,  no matter how close you once were, you have to cut that person out of your life. And that’s exactly what happened here. I’m sorry for having ridiculous standards and dignity. I’m sorry I can’t accept what you’re doing with your current significant other. This is chaos, my dear. I know you’re an emotional, sensitive person. But it’s not worth it. It’ll just end up like all your precious previous friendships/relationships. It that obvious.

I can’t do it. I can’t be the one to always initiate the conversations, to call you first, to be the one with the witty/lame jokes, to see you destroy yourself  with him this way. I can’t stand knowing that you really just don’t care. Perhaps you never even did. This is the one thing I feel bad for for trying so hard.

Goodbye, old friend.

Have fun with your current clique of people who can’t take a goddamn joke.

If I’d known all it took to get you was tarot cards, I’d have saved a load of time now wouldn’t I.

Enjoy extreme sensitivity.

Hail and farewell.


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