Vulnerability.


vulnerable [vuhl-ner-uh-buh l]

adjective

1.capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon:a vulnerable part of the body.

2.open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.:an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.

Recently I was told by a certain someone to go fuck myself.
I’m joking. What he said was much worse.
He told me that, basically, I would never have the ideal friendship I wanted if I didn’t show vulnerability and OPEN UP, IMMEDIATELY! Not those exact words, but it was implied.
After comparing my friendship and his friendship with Person X, he pretty much said that I wasn’t putting enough effort into being a good person and getting over my past and the trauma I experienced with K. Sorry, my friend, but not everyone gets over things like that that quickly. Maybe I’ll never get over it. Maybe I’ll have to live with this gaping sore that will never heal. That’s my problem.
I get that you’re trying to convert me and to get me to see things from your point of view so you get a free pass to heaven and all, I don’t know how it works but I think you’re doing it wrong. I don’t feel enlightened, I am furious at how inconsiderate and insensitive you are. You heartless motherfucker, so busy preaching and educating yourself you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be human, and that other people have feelings too. And that no one thinks exactly like you do.
I’m really not one to talk, but I personally feel that it is very fucked up to pressure people into changing, even if it will, OF COURSE, improve their lives and change their world. That is, in a nutshell, peer-pressuring. Oh, you’re not a bully? Only bullies do that? But that is exactly what you’re doing here, pal. You can’t change someone or something that doesn’t want to or isn’t ready for that change. If you force a caterpillar out of its cocoon before its time, it will die. If you can’t stand what someone is doing to themselves, do what I did; leave.
The best part about this was that you genuinely thought you had the power to inspire me to change and turn my life around. That you thought I couldn’t see how warped your point of view was, by religion and infatuation. You never got over her, you’re still in love, you just won’t admit it. Won’t admit that you can’t see straight because she’s all you ever think about. And so you keep comparing our relationships, yours, mine and hers. It’s not the same. Because I’m not the one who is hopelessly in love.
I consider people who lie to themselves the most dishonest of all. That you can’t even admit you’re infatuated with someone.
Love is not acceptance. Acceptance is just acceptance. Love is more than that. I hope one day you experience what it is.
I’m not the most open person in the world, I know that. I don’t like talking about how I feel, because I feel as though it is akin to showing weakness. I am so afraid of telling things to what might turn out to be the wrong people. The thought of opening up and sharing things from the depths of my soul terrifies me so much. “Opening up” is such a vague term, if you really wanted to know more about me, you’d have had specific questions prepared.
Asshat.
I just really needed to get this off my chest.
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Firsts


I haven’t done one of these since 2011, so why not.

This is basically a mashup of everything that has happened so far, complete with pictures!

A picture is worth a thousand words and I can’t be bothered to even write a hundred.

 

My (not so baby) brother is getting veryyyy tall.

I hate being alone at Starbucks because I feel like I’m a waste of space (unpopular opinion: their coffee isn’t even that great).

Should seriously do something about my eyebags.

I wish I were still into photography, but those damn hipsters ruined it (I love y’all).

100+ is the only isotonic beverage I will ever consume. Also, A E S T  H E T I C.

I’ve always wanted a Jurassic Park/ World tee. It is the best (long sleeved) tee I own.

I love the lighting in H&M even though everything of theirs looks bad on me.

I love spending time with those girls because you don’t find girls like those every dynasty.

You rarely ever find an Indian guy with a mustache and who writes beautiful poetry and listens to Radiohead.

I had mybugerlab for the first time (#penanglang) and idk how I feel about it tbh.

I  had Johnny Rocket’s for the first time.

I am also very fat.

This post did not turn out as planned but I might as well post it since I’ve come this far already.

 

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ave atque vale


Cliches are the only thing I have left.

I would like to make this blog private, but what’s the point if you have subscribers anyway. Yay me. I don’t mind you reading this, but please don’t ever bring this up in person. This was written when I was feeling too little and too much all at the same time and needed an outlet in which to vent. And who knows, maybe in a month or two I’ll look back on this and laugh. I doubt it. 

I can’t believe I’m writing this, but it’s 3am and I feel as though I have no one else to talk to.

I can’t believe I lost you, my friend.

I never thought it would be you. I thought we’d always be together.

I can’t believe I was foolish enough to think we were a team. I can’t believe I thought I was irreplaceable.

And worst of all, I can’t believe I forgot that people change and have every right to. I lost myself in this deluded fantasy where everything would be sunshine and daisies as long as we had one another. It was entirely my fault. For thinking I meant as much to you as you did to me. I was clinging on to you like you were a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. I was so determined to make this last. To prove that I could at least have one proper, perfect friendship. To prove that I wasn’t a total fuckup.

And I thought that, since we’ve made it through all these years, we’d make it to the rest of our lives. How silly I was to not notice your disgust towards me.

This isn’t like me at all. I haven’t made a single lame pun or misspelled anything accidentally-on-purpose. Then again, I don’t really know what I’m like anymore.

I do think it’s for the best. I’ve always yearned to have a friend that I’ve known since my early teens to grow up with. I just forgot that people change and humans are fickle, unpredictable beings.

I never knew you would do things you promised me you wouldn’t.  Or lie to me. Worst of all, I can’t believe how easily I’m letting you go. I thought I never would. But I’ve been proven wrong again.

There comes a time when,  no matter how close you once were, you have to cut that person out of your life. And that’s exactly what happened here. I’m sorry for having ridiculous standards and dignity. I’m sorry I can’t accept what you’re doing with your current significant other. This is chaos, my dear. I know you’re an emotional, sensitive person. But it’s not worth it. It’ll just end up like all your precious previous friendships/relationships. It that obvious.

I can’t do it. I can’t be the one to always initiate the conversations, to call you first, to be the one with the witty/lame jokes, to see you destroy yourself  with him this way. I can’t stand knowing that you really just don’t care. Perhaps you never even did. This is the one thing I feel bad for for trying so hard.

Goodbye, old friend.

Have fun with your current clique of people who can’t take a goddamn joke.

If I’d known all it took to get you was tarot cards, I’d have saved a load of time now wouldn’t I.

Enjoy extreme sensitivity.

Hail and farewell.

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