I’m sorry for the extremely long hiatus and the amount of unpublished posts on my phone, tumblr, and um, notebook.
I’ve also forgotten how to change the little wordpress icon to a pic of me so I’ll work on that.
The reason I haven’t been blogging my days away (AHA lol) is because I’ve actually had a (pretty much) full-time job since last year. Well, I did until I quit last month. But it was a truly incredible experience, and I will say this;
Even if I seem like the same person I used to be, trust me, I see the world differently now.
For starters, it’s much more bitter. And cold. And lonely. And then you remember you can never trust friends because they will always, always leave you in the end.
I worked at a pet store for like 9 months and wow.
I learned how to groom dogs properlyish, to deal with difficult customers, some basic accounting, first aid for little creatures, and how to tie a fish’s plastic baggie.
I guess I could tell you about the guy who used to come in every week and ask me why I was working there and not pursuing a modelling career (lol), the lady who only ever bougth bacon-flavored jerky sticks, and the very knowledgeable gentleman who taught me about nature; of how he could make anything grow and blossom, from dogs to cats to fish to trees.
But then I thought, nah, that would take too long, and I want to save them for my old age and have nothing better to do than reminisce about the past.
The first month was awkward.
The second month was a lil uncomfortable.
And by the third I was getting the hang of things and learning how to creatively swear freestyle.
But mostly it was just me wondering who would really miss me if I killed myself and if you no one acknowledges the fact that you exist, do you really exist at all?
I read that in a book and I can’t remember which one and I own a shit ton of books and it’s fucking me up.
Basically, I’ve been thinking, how many people would miss me if I weren’t around anymore? And how easy it is to completely reinvent a new personality for yourself to go with your new life and new family and friends. And thinking about oblivion. And how no one ever really feels for you what you feel for them. I think too much and feel even more. And I honestly don’t think there’s anyone willing to do for me what I’d do for them, because now that I finally face the facts; I am not a good person.
I guess you could call me a decent person at best, but if you think about it, I am so good at bullshitting myself into believing I even am one. I just did. I’m not a nice person either, after what I’ve experienced with previous friends and relationships, yeah, I am a pretty shit person. I have never helped a friend of mine as much as they have helped me. I’ve never been particularly supportive or encouraging them in whatever they do. I don’t ever seem to be there when they need to talk to someone. And at times I don’t even know what we are anymore.
Imagine a year of total isolation from the circle of friends you used to call you own.
Imagine that + the usual teenage angst x100
And seeing them change so so much, becoming bigger and brighter as people while you’ve kind of just reverted into what you used to be before them and even worse.
I eventually got fed up of being alone and decided that even if I can’t live in the same neighborhood as the fam, then I might as well make up with them and have one of those lil online friendships. So I started to talk to them again, out of the blue, and strangely enough they let me back in.
Then I realized I have trust issues. After a chit chat with NMR we realized I don’t like letting people know how I feel. And I guess I don’t, I don’t like people knowing how I feel, or talking about my feelings.
And then I remembered why.
#tbt 2011ish or so, I met this INCREDIBLE downright amazing girl, and talking to her was the highlight of my day. I know, I know, get a life right but I swear at the time I thought she was the best thing to ever happen to me. And perhaps someday I’ll reflect upon life and think, yes, that thing needed to happen. not tonight tho lol .
We talked EVERY. DAY. or night. she was the only person who kept the same hours I did, she exposed me to things I never even imagined existed, she made me laugh, and cry (happy happy tears) and it got to a point where I honestly thought I’d found a friend for life and it would be safe enough to share my deepest emotions and opinions and views on life.
That kind of blew up in my face and ended with her saying that she thinks I thought we were closer than we actually were. Sorry I can’t remember the exact words because I was too busy curling into a ball and trying to breathe.
When I was in primary school, I got sent to the head counsellor because everyone thought there was something wrong with me because I was moody all the time. Though I told them that was just part of my personality, no one bought it. Madam then decided then my problem was that I bottle up all my emotions and thus appear stuck up snob to the other girls. That’s why no one liked me.
As I was sobbing on my bedroom floor, gasping for air, I was reminded of that moment and my determination to stay that way, merely because I didn’t see the point of people knowing so much about me.
moral of the story is people gon fuck u up and the b est thing u can do is proooobably not shove walk up to them the next time you see them in public, give them the biggest smile you can muster and go, “HEYYY, HOW ARE YOU? Haven’t seen you in like ages omg” because trust me seeing that expression is not worth it, it will not give you the pleasure or satisfaction you desired, or any satisfaction really.
I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore really, but it’s been like 3 years and every time ~ feelings ~ are brought up in the group chat or irl I die a little inside and glance around quickly to see if there’s anything I can use to change the topic.
Because I don’t want to be reminded of the fact that there is a tiny bit of my soul I’ve exposed and given away and can never get back.
And it hurts, being too afraid to even tell your therapist how you feel. Terrified of being judged, or worse, letting someone in and having the same thing happen all over again.
I’ve had the same best friend for the past 5 years and even she admits she doesn’t know me that well.
And I’m terrified of it happening again. Though I’ve forgiven her, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, for being such a disgusting human being, unworthy of her friendship because she is one of the loveliest people I’ve ever met and everyone agrees and she is so open-minded and kind so how bad a person am I that she can’t even stand being around me?
so yeah. that’s life. pills and online friendships.
Oh yes anti-depressants don’t do shit except make you sleepy and crave cheese. St John’s wort does the same minus the cheese cravings, so fuck herbal remedies too I guess.
And fuck feeling insecure and feeling like no one really loves you because after all, why love your own firstborn child when you can just bloody well adopt someone else’s?
Why not treat them the way I’ve always wanted to be treated, and accept me at my worst the way you do to them. I guess it’s easier because you didn’t raise them. This is unfair and unkind on so many levels because I don’t have anyone willing to do what you do for her for me.
And I’ve filled that void inside me with feelings of self pity and loathing, and feeling bad for yourself all the time? Almost every waking moment? That’s not healthy. Trying to do something about it but unable to because what’s the fucking point? That’s even worse.
Eh yeah besides letting people treat me like shit and feeling sorry for myself, there isn’t much going on, I guess.
Only now I think I’ve a clearer idea of what I want to do in life now.
and it’s not going to involve bottling up my emotions.
I’m also into that 90’s alternative thang again. Honestly I’m just into anything on the radio that’s not ads at 3am