Vulnerability.


vulnerable [vuhl-ner-uh-buh l]

adjective

1.capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon:a vulnerable part of the body.

2.open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.:an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.

Recently I was told by a certain someone to go fuck myself.
I’m joking. What he said was much worse.
He told me that, basically, I would never have the ideal friendship I wanted if I didn’t show vulnerability and OPEN UP, IMMEDIATELY! Not those exact words, but it was implied.
After comparing my friendship and his friendship with Person X, he pretty much said that I wasn’t putting enough effort into being a good person and getting over my past and the trauma I experienced with K. Sorry, my friend, but not everyone gets over things like that that quickly. Maybe I’ll never get over it. Maybe I’ll have to live with this gaping sore that will never heal. That’s my problem.
I get that you’re trying to convert me and to get me to see things from your point of view so you get a free pass to heaven and all, I don’t know how it works but I think you’re doing it wrong. I don’t feel enlightened, I am furious at how inconsiderate and insensitive you are. You heartless motherfucker, so busy preaching and educating yourself you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be human, and that other people have feelings too. And that no one thinks exactly like you do.
I’m really not one to talk, but I personally feel that it is very fucked up to pressure people into changing, even if it will, OF COURSE, improve their lives and change their world. That is, in a nutshell, peer-pressuring. Oh, you’re not a bully? Only bullies do that? But that is exactly what you’re doing here, pal. You can’t change someone or something that doesn’t want to or isn’t ready for that change. If you force a caterpillar out of its cocoon before its time, it will die. If you can’t stand what someone is doing to themselves, do what I did; leave.
The best part about this was that you genuinely thought you had the power to inspire me to change and turn my life around. That you thought I couldn’t see how warped your point of view was, by religion and infatuation. You never got over her, you’re still in love, you just won’t admit it. Won’t admit that you can’t see straight because she’s all you ever think about. And so you keep comparing our relationships, yours, mine and hers. It’s not the same. Because I’m not the one who is hopelessly in love.
I consider people who lie to themselves the most dishonest of all. That you can’t even admit you’re infatuated with someone.
Love is not acceptance. Acceptance is just acceptance. Love is more than that. I hope one day you experience what it is.
I’m not the most open person in the world, I know that. I don’t like talking about how I feel, because I feel as though it is akin to showing weakness. I am so afraid of telling things to what might turn out to be the wrong people. The thought of opening up and sharing things from the depths of my soul terrifies me so much. “Opening up” is such a vague term, if you really wanted to know more about me, you’d have had specific questions prepared.
Asshat.
I just really needed to get this off my chest.
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Firsts


I haven’t done one of these since 2011, so why not.

This is basically a mashup of everything that has happened so far, complete with pictures!

A picture is worth a thousand words and I can’t be bothered to even write a hundred.

 

My (not so baby) brother is getting veryyyy tall.

I hate being alone at Starbucks because I feel like I’m a waste of space (unpopular opinion: their coffee isn’t even that great).

Should seriously do something about my eyebags.

I wish I were still into photography, but those damn hipsters ruined it (I love y’all).

100+ is the only isotonic beverage I will ever consume. Also, A E S T  H E T I C.

I’ve always wanted a Jurassic Park/ World tee. It is the best (long sleeved) tee I own.

I love the lighting in H&M even though everything of theirs looks bad on me.

I love spending time with those girls because you don’t find girls like those every dynasty.

You rarely ever find an Indian guy with a mustache and who writes beautiful poetry and listens to Radiohead.

I had mybugerlab for the first time (#penanglang) and idk how I feel about it tbh.

I  had Johnny Rocket’s for the first time.

I am also very fat.

This post did not turn out as planned but I might as well post it since I’ve come this far already.

 

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ave atque vale


Cliches are the only thing I have left.

I would like to make this blog private, but what’s the point if you have subscribers anyway. Yay me. I don’t mind you reading this, but please don’t ever bring this up in person. This was written when I was feeling too little and too much all at the same time and needed an outlet in which to vent. And who knows, maybe in a month or two I’ll look back on this and laugh. I doubt it. 

I can’t believe I’m writing this, but it’s 3am and I feel as though I have no one else to talk to.

I can’t believe I lost you, my friend.

I never thought it would be you. I thought we’d always be together.

I can’t believe I was foolish enough to think we were a team. I can’t believe I thought I was irreplaceable.

And worst of all, I can’t believe I forgot that people change and have every right to. I lost myself in this deluded fantasy where everything would be sunshine and daisies as long as we had one another. It was entirely my fault. For thinking I meant as much to you as you did to me. I was clinging on to you like you were a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. I was so determined to make this last. To prove that I could at least have one proper, perfect friendship. To prove that I wasn’t a total fuckup.

And I thought that, since we’ve made it through all these years, we’d make it to the rest of our lives. How silly I was to not notice your disgust towards me.

This isn’t like me at all. I haven’t made a single lame pun or misspelled anything accidentally-on-purpose. Then again, I don’t really know what I’m like anymore.

I do think it’s for the best. I’ve always yearned to have a friend that I’ve known since my early teens to grow up with. I just forgot that people change and humans are fickle, unpredictable beings.

I never knew you would do things you promised me you wouldn’t.  Or lie to me. Worst of all, I can’t believe how easily I’m letting you go. I thought I never would. But I’ve been proven wrong again.

There comes a time when,  no matter how close you once were, you have to cut that person out of your life. And that’s exactly what happened here. I’m sorry for having ridiculous standards and dignity. I’m sorry I can’t accept what you’re doing with your current significant other. This is chaos, my dear. I know you’re an emotional, sensitive person. But it’s not worth it. It’ll just end up like all your precious previous friendships/relationships. It that obvious.

I can’t do it. I can’t be the one to always initiate the conversations, to call you first, to be the one with the witty/lame jokes, to see you destroy yourself  with him this way. I can’t stand knowing that you really just don’t care. Perhaps you never even did. This is the one thing I feel bad for for trying so hard.

Goodbye, old friend.

Have fun with your current clique of people who can’t take a goddamn joke.

If I’d known all it took to get you was tarot cards, I’d have saved a load of time now wouldn’t I.

Enjoy extreme sensitivity.

Hail and farewell.

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Sabotage and self-preservation


Hello.
I’m slightly outraged at the wordpress app and my internet connection for screwing up and deleting my precious previous post. The edited, refined version that no one ever got to read.
No one but me, that is. But that doesn’t count.

I haven’t read in a while. I haven’t immersed myself in a book for hours, like the way I used to. I haven’t bought a book since last year. And ever since my ipad died, I haven’t been downloading new reading material either. For someone who likes escaping reality, it’s incredible how I’ve survived this long.

I’ve just finished reading a very average, very teen book. It’s nothing extraordinary, your typical sappy YA bullshit but for some reason I’m in tears. I’m actually crying over a book again. And I can’t believe this.
Continue reading

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is this pink too pink?


I’m sorry for the extremely long hiatus and the amount of unpublished posts on my phone, tumblr, and um, notebook.

I’ve also forgotten how to change the little wordpress icon to a pic of me so I’ll work on that.

The reason I haven’t been blogging my days away (AHA lol) is because I’ve actually had a (pretty much) full-time job since last year. Well, I did until I quit last month. But it was a truly incredible experience, and I will say this;

Even if I seem like the same person I used to be, trust me, I see the world differently now.

For starters, it’s much more bitter. And cold. And lonely. And then you remember you can never trust friends because they will always, always leave you in the end.

I worked at a pet store for like 9 months and wow.

I learned how to groom dogs properlyish, to deal with difficult customers, some basic accounting, first aid for little creatures, and how to tie a fish’s plastic baggie.

I guess I could tell you about the guy who used to come in every week and ask me why I was working there and not pursuing a modelling career (lol), the lady who only ever bougth bacon-flavored jerky sticks, and the very knowledgeable gentleman who taught me about nature; of how he could make anything grow and blossom, from dogs to cats to fish to trees.

But then I thought, nah, that would take too long, and I want to save them for my old age and have nothing better to do than reminisce about the past.

The first month was awkward.

The second month was a lil uncomfortable.

And by the third I was getting the hang of things and learning how to creatively swear freestyle.

But mostly it was just me wondering who would really miss me if I killed myself and if you no one acknowledges the fact that you exist, do you really exist at all?

I read that in a book and I can’t remember which one and I own a shit ton of books and it’s fucking me up.

Basically, I’ve been thinking, how many people would miss me if I weren’t around anymore? And how easy it is to completely reinvent a new personality for yourself to go with your new life and new family and friends. And thinking about oblivion. And how no one ever really feels for you what you feel for them. I think too much and feel even more. And I honestly don’t think there’s anyone willing to do for me what I’d do for them, because now that I finally face the facts; I am not a good person.

I guess you could call me a decent person at best, but if you think about it, I am so good at bullshitting myself into believing I even am one. I just did. I’m not a nice person either, after what I’ve experienced with previous friends and relationships, yeah, I am a pretty shit person. I have never helped a friend of mine as much as they have helped me. I’ve never been particularly supportive or encouraging them in whatever they do. I don’t ever seem to be there when they need to talk to someone. And at times I don’t even know what we are anymore.

Imagine a year of total isolation from the circle of friends you used to call you own.

Imagine that + the usual teenage angst x100

And seeing them change so so much, becoming bigger and brighter as people while you’ve kind of just reverted into what you used to be before them and even worse.

I eventually got fed up of being alone and decided that even if I can’t live in the same neighborhood as the fam, then I might as well make up with them and have one of those lil online friendships. So I started to talk to them again, out of the blue, and strangely enough they let me back in.

Then I realized I have trust issues. After a chit chat with NMR we realized I don’t like letting people know how I feel. And I guess I don’t, I don’t like people knowing how I feel, or talking about my feelings.

And then I remembered why.

#tbt 2011ish or so, I met this INCREDIBLE downright amazing girl, and talking to her was the highlight of my day. I know, I know, get a life right but I swear at the time I thought she was the best thing to ever happen to me. And perhaps someday I’ll reflect upon life and think, yes, that thing needed to happen. not tonight tho lol .

We talked EVERY. DAY. or night. she was the only person who kept the same hours I did, she exposed me to things I never even imagined existed, she made me laugh, and cry (happy happy tears) and it got to a point where I honestly thought I’d found a friend for life and it would be safe enough to share my deepest emotions and opinions and views on life.

That kind of blew up in my face and ended with her saying that she thinks I thought we were closer than we actually were. Sorry I can’t remember the exact words because I was too busy curling into a ball and trying to breathe.

When I was in primary school, I got sent to the head counsellor because everyone thought there was something wrong with me because I was moody all the time. Though I told them that was just part of my personality, no one bought it. Madam then decided then my problem was that I bottle up all my emotions and thus appear stuck up snob to the other girls. That’s why no one liked me.

As I was sobbing on my bedroom floor, gasping for air, I was reminded of that moment and my determination to stay that way, merely because I didn’t see the point of people knowing so much about me.

moral of the story is people gon fuck u up and the b est thing u can do is proooobably not shove walk up to them the next time you see them in public, give them the biggest smile you can muster and go, “HEYYY, HOW ARE YOU? Haven’t seen you in like ages omg” because trust me seeing that expression is not worth it, it will not give you the pleasure or satisfaction you desired, or any satisfaction really.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore really, but it’s been like 3 years and every time ~ feelings ~ are brought up in the group chat or irl I die a little inside and glance around quickly to see if there’s anything I can use to change the topic.

Because I don’t want to be reminded of the fact that there is a tiny bit of my soul I’ve exposed and given away and can never get back.

And it hurts, being too afraid to even tell your therapist how you feel. Terrified of being judged, or worse, letting someone in and having the same thing happen all over again.

I’ve had the same best friend for the past 5 years and even she admits she doesn’t know me that well.

And I’m terrified of it happening again. Though I’ve forgiven her, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, for being such a disgusting human being, unworthy of her friendship because she is one of the loveliest people I’ve ever met and everyone agrees and she is so open-minded and kind so how bad a person am I that she can’t even stand being around me?

so yeah. that’s life. pills and online friendships.

Pills?

Oh yes anti-depressants don’t do shit except make you sleepy and crave cheese. St John’s wort does the same minus the cheese cravings, so fuck herbal remedies too I guess.

And fuck feeling insecure and feeling like no one really loves you because after all, why love your own firstborn child when you can just bloody well adopt someone else’s?

Why not?

Why not treat them the way I’ve always wanted to be treated, and accept me at my worst the way you do to them. I guess it’s easier because you didn’t raise them. This is unfair and unkind on so many levels because I don’t have anyone willing to do what you do for her for me.

And I’ve filled that void inside me with feelings of self pity and loathing, and feeling bad for yourself all the time? Almost every waking moment? That’s not healthy. Trying to do something about it but unable to because what’s the fucking point? That’s even worse.

Eh yeah besides letting people treat me like shit and feeling sorry for myself, there isn’t much going on, I guess.

Only now I think I’ve a clearer idea of what I want to do in life now.

and it’s not going to involve bottling up my emotions.

I’m also into that 90’s alternative thang again. Honestly I’m just into anything on the radio that’s not ads at 3am

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Miracle Youth Conference ’14 aka IT’S A FUCKING MIRACLE I, A YOUTH, SURVIVED THIS CONFERENCE.


DEAR BLOG WHAT UPPP WORLDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD

MY MEMORIES ARE FADING SO I’M GONNA WRITE AS QUICK AS POSSIBLE SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

I’m listening to kpop fuck my life.

There were tons of little minor hiccups during the journey to MYC, but I’m not gonna focus on that~

I’m joking lol of course I am.

First of all, my mom got me a ticket for the most awful bus going down to KL mmkay, as if taking a bus in the sweltering afternoon wasn’t enough, my mom unfortunately got conned and so I had to take this bus that was literally falling apart + was 45 minutes late + refused to budge till it got as many passengers as possible. Yeah, one of those. Thanks mom. But I eventually reached 1U at about 9ish. I was so tired and stiff and sore and I injured my shoulder while sleeping on that piece of shit bus. Thankfully, it got better before camp.

SO YES FAST FORWARD 2 DAYS I PICKED KAREN UP AND WE CHILLED AT KLCC FOR A BIT AND SHE BROUGHT ME AROUND AVENUE K AND WE BOUGHT HER THE COOLEST PAIR OF BEIGE/OFF WHITE CONVERSE AND WE HAD SUSHI AND WAITED FOR CHARMIANE AND THEN DROPPED BY THE BOOKFEST THING ( I didn’t get anything, very proud of myself) AND IT WAS ALL VERY FUN.

Charmiane’s mom works in the hotel line apparently and so she’d booked a room at this really swanky hotel which was originally for Charmiane’s family but we stayed there instead. IT WAS SO COOL. I wish I’d taken pictures. We also had a really nice dinner with them at this restaurant that was walking distance from the hotel THE FOOD WAS SO GOOD. The fish porridge is to die for. I’m still crying over what a beautiful meal that was. It was kind of like our last supper, if I’d known I would have suffered so much at camp, I’d have savored every mouthful. *muffled sobbing*

Also Charmiane had some crisis to deal with on the phone, she was chatting for a good solid HOUR or so. K and I and her (Chow chow’s) family just sat around watching TV and being extremely  giggly because of the chicken and rice wine soup we had for dinner. AND WE WATCHED SUPERNATURAL WHICH WAS GOOD YES WE FANGIRLED OVER DEAN AND HIS PRETTY PRINCESS EYES.

The next morning, I woke up before everyone else, and decided to have one last hot shower since K told me that there wouldn’t be any at camp. It was such a good shower. God.

Being the genius I am, I decided that, after showering and getting dressed, I could take a nap before C’s dad picked us up for camp. LOL BIG MISTAKE I FUCKING OVERSLEPT K AND C HAD BREAKFAST WITHOUT ME AND I WAS STARVING BUT WE WERE LATE AND C’S DAD WAS PRETTY LATE AND THERE WAS NOTHING TO EAT I SUCK.

By the time we got there it was like 11 and registration thingy closed at, like, 12. We couldn’t find the damn place because Waze was being a bitch and there were no signs leading to the bloody place. The only sign we found was this A4-sized one literally 10 metres from our destination. We should really be thanking the bored security guard for giving us great directions. S/O TO BORED SECURITY GUARD @ UPM!

We got there, we bumped into Luqman and the cats there, we got our room keys, we cried over the state of our rooms, etc.

I’m not even going to elaborate on the rooms. They were so sad. And dusty. Naga was there in the good year nineteen’99. We were also blessed with peeling paint and graffiti. One of the ones adorning the wall next to Claire’s bed featured this creepy girl watching you sleep. It was lovely. I actually kind of miss it now, even though it was more a changing room than a bedroom. 

And so we moved into someone else’s room. 3 girls we’ve known for less than 8 hours and we’re already sharing a room to sleep in huh girls really do share everything. There were 5 of us and eventually everyone fell asleep so I was stuck with this weirdo Justine and we spent the rest of the night talking about dumb girly things like boys and bras and periods. *giggles* We also told ghost stories. fun fun fun.

Basically camp was weird as hell. My mom had almost had a heart attack when she found out there was no adult supervision like mom pls there were a bunch of kids in their 20s whats the worst that could possibly happen??

I’m gonna do the bullet point thing I do when I’m too lazy to elaborate.

  1. I was in one of the best groups of ALL TIME even though the leader dude was so kiasu he was a pain
  2. I got food poisoning WHICH SUCKED also I was starving because I was fussy and didn’t eat the oily rice and I was dumb and didn’t bring my own food and yeah. But I was one of the few people who got sick so maybe I have a very weak immune system idk.
  3. I had to dance which was fun even though I am, without a doubt, the worst dancer on the planet. Some genius in my group decided to do Waka Waka for Talent Night (which was extremely entertaining) so I had to be a good sport and go along with it.
  4. I actually enjoyed most of the activities they were pretty fun yaaayyy
  5. The speakers for some of the sessions were rather condescending so boooo
  6. There wasn’t much running or outdoor stuff! That was great. Didn’t stop me from sweating like some gross man though.
  7. I got to plant a plant on one of the most disappointing field trips ever. And I had great juice @ the plant place aka fruit farm

I also met really wonderful people, I’d say that was the only really awesome thing about camp. The late nights and the zombie mornings. I met K and C’s friends from last years’ MYC, and they are such funny people and so gorgeous I was literally surrounded by pretty girls and one can only feel so sick when one is surrounded by attractive peoples. (◡ ‿ ◡ ✿)

On our last night there we came up with the brilliant idea of staying up all night doing stupid things. BECAUSE IT WAS OUR LAST NIGHT, YA FEEL? I know walking around haunted university campuses at 4am with people you barely know probably isn’t a good idea, but it seemed like a superb plan at the time. And it was fun. And playing truth or dare with strangers is fun. And starving in the middle of the night is fun. And getting high off coke is fun (high ie sugar high and Coca-Cola, not actual cocaine). And dealing with a friend with a concussion was not fun at all.

If I had to come up with a tagline for our last day, it’d be “ROOM FULL OF SWEATY TEENS IN SWEATERS”. Though really, Karen and I were the only ones in sweaters. It was hell.

Oh yes, I somehow ended up back in our room that morning, I have absolutely no idea how I got there. Apparently I woke up in the middle of the night (us geniuses decided to all sleep on the cold, hard basketball court bloody brilliant I tell you these kids are the future.) and went around looking for my slippers which some idiot was using as a pillow. And then I somehow made my way back up to the dorms, into our room.

The closing ceremony thing was rather lame. I guess, because I’m not a huge fan of cheesiness and crying, I found it very lame. But some people were bawling heh good for them I guess.

OKAY *deep breath* THERE WAS THIS DOCTOR LOVE BOX WHERE YOU COULD WRITE TO DOCTOR LOVE AND CONFESS/HOOK PEOPLE UP (MYC peeps are cool like that, they don’t want you to end up alone, love you guys, muah!). And so I set Karen up with NMR (Naked Mole Rat/Luqman the Homeschooler) and it was adorable, they were supposed to slow dance but NMR isn’t allowed to, like, intimately touch people, so he was doing THE coolest no-touchy dance. And the look K gave me was incredible. She was really working her #Fierce. I also made ChowChow get with mah group leader and it was so sweet awwh it was worth the glares~~~

 

Karen and I were the last ones to leave, my uncle had trouble finding the damn place, and so we listened to some indie music and said goodbye to everyone which was sad I guess. Meh. We drove K aaaaaaall the way back to PD and I was so exhausted I just fell asleep and didn’t stir till they shook me awake for some coconut shake which was actually pretty tasty, even though I hate coconut. Then we had dinner at PD Restaurant and I guess it was good idk there was seafood which was good I guess. AND THEN KAREN AND I HAD TO SAY OUR GOODBYES.

And then I passed out again and slept for the 2 hours it took us to get back to KL.

I think I just lazed around the next day and on TUESDAY WE WENT TO SUNWAY LAGOON!!! SUCH an improvement from the last time I went with K, we were supposed to celebrate K’s brother’s birthday, but her brothers didn’t want to go on some of the rides and cried during the horror house (Karen wasn’t with us because she was shirtless and they have a very strict no shirt no service rule) so we had to leave. Trivia time!

  • they have a bunch of emergency exits all over the place, for people who chicken out
  • It was not scary at all but little kids have an overactive imagination so it was probably terrifying to them
  • Thank God for guys who are good at consoling little boys like thank u random guys behind us who tried your best to “protect” the boys from the zombies

!!!!!!! THE WAVE POOL WAS HELLA RAD !!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately little boys do not enjoy loud music and waves. So we had to leave.

By then it was like 5 and they had to go anyway and so I bid Karen farewell for the last time. 😥

I won’t get to see her again until next year. meh.

 

The day after that I met up with Claire at 1U! We had juice (the Apricot Delight at Juiceworks is the yummiest thing ever, even though I can never finish my juice, I finished it that one time!) and chatted about stuff and I miss her so much ahhh.  Even though I only got to see her for a couple of hours, I’m satisfied eh.

Aaaand that’s it. We took the midnight bus back to Penang and it rained and I had the entire back row of seats to myself. Mwahahahaha. I fell asleep within half an hour though. Boo.

That’s it.

AU REVOIR, dumdums.

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Ich bin da an deiner seite.


H E L L O  W O R L D

I’m procrastinating again.

I should be blogging about camp because camp was T O T A L L Y awesome. Hahah.

I was being sarcastic.

Seeing as I haven’t written in ages, I expect this post to be a huge train wreck filled with bad puns and lame humour.

SO THERE WAS CAMP AND THERE WAS SUNWAY LAGOON AND THERE WAS NAIVE CLAIRE  BUT BEFORE THAT THERE WAS KAREN.

Dear Karen,

KAREN, YOU BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING YOU.

WORDS CANNOT BEGIN TO EXPRESS MY (non-romantic completely platonic) FEELINGS FOR YOU.

It’s been 6 years since the day I met you, and you have turned my dull, black & white silent film into a 3D Technicolor movie. With extra buttery popcorn.

The reason I’m writing this now is because you won’t be the same person a year from now, Ecuador will probably change you A LOT, and this is just a farewell message I guess.

I never truly realized how alone I was until I met you, I thought I was invincible and I didn’t need friends or anything. I was basically Rae Earl only worse. If I hadn’t taken that one extra step and tried my hardest to be friends with you, I would have missed out on a lot of life lessons and $uper ko0l teenage experiences.

this is starting to sound cheesy and im tearing up and ohmygod.

And I know we’re not as close anymore, and that tbh we have nothing in common and we never did, but I remember those days so so well and I always will. You were a huge chunk of my life, and six years is a long time. I still remember the day when you called me your best friend, and that was one of my greatest life achievements. like wow I got to be someone’s best friend FOR LYFE. I’d never been that before.

I think what was truly amazing was how you made me open up and want to change. You made me come out of my “emo freak” shell and you forced me into situations out of my comfort zone and I don’t think you realize how much you have helped me. I mean, yes, if I feel like being pessimistic and petty, I could talk about all those times you made my life a huge pain in the ass, but it was all worth it.

 

Maybe Guten Tag will be our Always.

Maybe Guten Tag will be our Always.

The day we met;

 

The version Karen likes telling people is that, the first time we met at a homeschooling seminar/talk thing, I bought a cupcake from her booth, took a bite, proclaimed it as inedible and threw it on the floor.

That is not what happened.

See, the way I see it, I was nervous and shy and so came off as moody and rude. I bought a cupcake because I wanted to support her, but then I didn’t know how to talk to her and so continued sulking. With my cupcake. Unfortunately, after tasting it and developing, like, 5 cavities within a minute, it slipped out of my hand (damn greasy thing) and fell on the floor. I DID NOT MEAN TO THROW IT, IT SLIPPED.

To this day I still swear that the bloody cupcake leaped out of my hand because it strongly disliked me. I. DID. NOT. THROW. IT. I WANTED TO BE YOUR FRIEND, KAREN, A PART OF ME REALLY DID WANT TO TRY.

 

6 years later, we’ve both changed (OK FINE KAREN WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO CHANGED SHE GREW A FOOT TALLER AND GOT HOT WTF) but, surprisingly enough, we’re still friends.

Friendly reminder that we have absolutely nothing in common. She likes depressingly realistic novels, I love fictional fantasy. She likes tea, I prefer coffee. She loves bright, colourful things. I do not.

We’ve been through the usual ups and downs of friendship, only ours were at least 10x worse and I think it’s because Karen is a Pisces and they’re all sensitive and emotional like that. Also I’m an Aquarius, which doesn’t exactly help with the whole friendship thing.  Heheh if you believe in that sort of thing. I’m not going to go into all those times where I thought we’d never talk again, because it still hurts and deep down inside I know it only hurts this much because the things you say when you’re angry are the things you really feel deep, deep inside.

RIGHT SO BEFORE THIS GETS TOO DEPRESSING

TL;DR  I JUST WANT TO SAY THANK YOU, YOU DUMB DUMB GIRAFFE. I LOVE YOU VERY VERY MUCH OKAY GO HAVE FUN IN ECUADOR GO BE THE BEST PERSON YOU CAN BE GO FIND SOME HOT DUDE WITH A MANSION AND HIS OWN ARMY AND MARRY HIM GO DO SPIRITUAL STUFF GO HAVE TACOS IDK JUST ENJOY LIFE OKAY #YOLO – yours truly, SwagMasterThea. 

 

 

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creative, meaningful title that doubles as an inside joke


It is not a dark and stormy night, I am not on a roller coaster that only goes up, nor do I radiate sunshine and rainbows and I have too many feelings and no way to express them.

Perhaps I wouldn’t be so flustered  if a certain someone (ahem cough Vera cough cough) hadn’t stalked my tumblr and found this blog.  I am equal parts embarrassed and flattered because that certain someone agrees with some of what I’ve written here and I’m not saying that this is a big deal but it’s kind of a big deal (yoooo).

I guess I should write about recent events and random little things that have happened, like booksales I’ve been to and weird rashes and bites I’ve attained.

I’m really bad at beginning things it’s amazing how I’ve made it this far in life.

Quick recap on what happened in March um:

  1. big bad wolf in penang
  2. big bad wolf at mines
  3. karen’s camp/sleepover thing
  4. popular book fair at 1u
  5. lots of movie watching and music listening

 

Can you see how social I am like wow my calendar’s all filled up with rad social events and gatherings and hanging out with random people ha ha

(I’m listening to some random playlist on 8tracks right now and I Am The Doctor just came on so please excuse whatever rubbish comes after this sentence I FEEL SO PUMPED)

SOOOO TRAVELLING IS FUN AND WHEN I SAY FUN I MEAN EXTENDED HOURS okay sorry for yelling  I mean I find long hours spent on a moving vehicle very relaxing and stress-relieving. Unless I have some inconsiderate loud person with a cold sitting next to me then it’s rather hard to relax and I just spend the next few hours brooding.

But I had no such person next to me on the bus to KL (well, my great-aunt was there but she was sleeping peacefully most of the time so it was fine) so that was a fun 5 hours.

I originally planned on just going for Big Bad Wolf because Karen said it was great and she got so many fantastic books for only rm100 and blahblahblah and I couldn’t have made it to her sleepover anyway because no one could fetch me from the PD bus station so yeh. But then, after about an hour of being deep in thought on the bus, she called me and told me (HEDWIG’S THEME JUST CAME ON FUCK YEAH) that her parents could fetch me from the Seremban train station so yaaay Karen!

Taking a train alone was a very huge milestone for me, I think. I mean I’m on this long train ride to some  station I’ve only been once before, I have no martial arts skills or weapons and absolutely no one to talk to so I’m just sitting there like some runaway teen, the sort Karen likes reading about in fiction novels. I think I did well, though. This nice girl from our bus earlier was sitting next to me and she was on her way back to university or something so it was comforting to have a somewhat familiar face beside you like hey at least there’s someone I know, like, “Hey, I’m not completely alone, I’m sure if something happens this girl might at least try to help,”.

So I made it to Seremban safe and sound, somehow remembered how to get to the bus station (which includes this 10 minute walk through this dark underground tunnel where trolls probably live; I probably stumbled into some dark faerie market where they sell drugs to humans and trade magical healing spells for your firstborn or something.  I half expected to see the sprite from Artemis Fowl asking me if I would like a cure.

Made it to the bus station, had to wait 20 minutes for the bus, thankfully I got a seat on the bus which was much nicer than the one we took last time.

I’m too lazy to write down EVERY LITTLE DETAIL OF EVERYTHING THAT HAPPENED but basically it was very fun and I wish I had some pics of us because if a picture is worth a thousand words I could just insert a few here and save myself all this tedious writing.

basically:

  • horseshoe crabs are creepy as hell they kind of look like kabutos like u guys sure you didn’t find an ancient pokemon fossil
  • the beach is very sandy and the sea is extremely wet i was very shocked
  • cooking on the beach is a troublesome hassle and frankly a huge waste of time unless you’re an overly romantic idiot who can find beauty and joy in such things
  • some people can shower and change (their clothes not themselves) up to 3 times a day
  • CAMPING IS NOT FUN IN THIS HUMID COUNTRY.
  • i hiked up a bloody hill to get to a goddamn lighthouse and did not get a super fit body afterwards like wtf
  • vera’s cooking, determination, and motherliness is amazing
  • vera’s hella rad tbh
  • also i have my doubts on whether or not karen is actually human she was the last one to sleep and the first one to wake like how??

Also, trains are fun.

Can’t think of anything else at the moment soooo here’s my haul from BBWPenang (note: DO NOT search for ‘bbw’ on tumblr or twitter or anything. just don’t. it does not always mean Big Bad Wolf booksale apparently):

Penang haul~ rm8 per book (well, most of them) so altogether it was rm178 BOX SALE WAS SO MUCH MORE WORTH IT.

 

Aaaaand here’s my box haul; I got the 99.90 one.

I went on the second to last day so there wasn’t much of anything left, BUT I’M SATISFIED ENOUGH. I also threw in a few random books just to fill up my box cuz im random like dat xDD

 

AAAAAND THE DAY AFTER THAT ^ I WENT TO 1U AND FOUND A POPULAR BOOK FAIR. LUCKY OR WHAT.

I’M REALLY SO HAPPY I FOUND SHADE’S CHILDREN I DIDN’T EVEN KNOW THEY SOLD IT HERE. I GOT WORLD WAR Z EVEN THOUGH IT DIDN’T HAVE SOME SUPER DISCOUNT REBATE THING BECAUSE I REALLY WANT TO FINISH READING IT (I had it on iBooks but the iPad died)

 

THAT’S IT. NO ANGSTY RANTS TODAY BECAUSE I FEEL QUITE CHILL AT THE MOMENT. WE’LL SEE HOW I FEEL IN A COUPLE OF HOURS.

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I hate days like this.


i hate rain. i really do. i don’t find anything beautiful or peaceful about it. it’s so fucking irritating because it’s loud and i cant hear anything like a serial killer could creep up on me and i probably wouldn’t hear him/her because of the rain and yes i fancy myself having pretty good hearing.

im just really frustrated right now because i’d really like chocolatey cookies and i’d like my blanket back, nice and clean and sun-dried.

 

I’d also like some wheat but i rarely get any so….

THE RAIN IS STOPPING YES YES YESSS!!!!

I don’t actually know what to write about. I’m afraid if I start I might just end up complaining and whining about life in general. And then this’d probably turn into another rant in which I offend people.

oh wait.

Well last month I accidentally dropped my phone at the Daiso in Qbay and I’m never going there again. The screen was completely white and I was panicking and my mum was looking at stuff and I was in shock I think that is what going into shock feels like. like a very mild version of it. Since we were like 10 minutes away from the shop where my mum bought my phone (how convenient.) we decided to go there and see if it could be fixed. Unfortunately my mum forgot where the shop was so we had to walk around till my feet hurt and we finally found the place. Also there was a cat show going on. I don’t know how that is relevant but I like cats even though I find cat shows distasteful.

Then when we got home I had to look for the warranty card and I knew I hadn’t seen it around recently so I panicked but we were going to KL the next day and it would take a week for it to get repaired anyway so I just casually “forgot” about it till we got back and a couple of days back my mum asked me to give her the warranty card because the phone’s done and she said she’d pick it up and I panicked again until last night we both cleaned our rooms and I started panicking and I almost cried till my mum found it in her room wtf.

So we’re probably going to pick my phone up later.

Also my mum tried to change my room light yesterday and she was balancing on the table and ohmygod I was so afraid. Thankfully, nothing happened. I mean she broke my first light so I used the one from her room then she borrowed one from  the living room but everything’s alright now. And I now have a whitish fluorescent light instead of a yellow one!

I’ve also been writing in my diary a lot. Lots of angsty posts. Pages. Wtvr.

ok bye.

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How I infuriate people and lose friends; a memoir. Sort of.


I feel like deleting my blog right now; but hey, one day I might find it again after years of ignoring it, read the contents, and laugh.  Laugh till I die. Then I would never have to worry about dumb blogs ever again.

~ Guess who I’ve pissed off recently~

Before I continue I would like to remind you, the reader, that I am an absolutely horrible person and an even worse friend. And I am not changing.

I self-sabotage all my relationships and friendships and I think the underlying cause of all this is that I think I am not worthy of  having friends. Or I think I’m too proud and just don’t appreciate them enough. Pick one.

I actually don’t mind losing friends, it’s something I decided a long time ago. That I don’t need them and that people are easily replaceable.  Also I hate people and it is emotionally draining for me to actually, like, talk to strangers and then proceed to “build” a  friendship.

I’d love to categorize myself as having social anxiety unfortunately my mother and people around me in general would just brush it off as being antisocial, even though I seem to have most of the symptoms of a person suffering from the fear/discomfort of socializing.

Probably won’t publish this but I need to vent out my sadness and emptiness and perhaps if I fill myself up with disgust and cringe-worthy posts it’ll get rid of the emptiness inside.

It is so hard knowing that there are people out there who enjoy and appreciate the things you do but live on the other side of the planet, and knowing that these people exist but being too afraid  of looking for them and too afraid of wasting time with the wrong people just make things worse.

I really don’t see the point in knowing people in real life anymore. It’s not like we live in a time where having friends in faraway places is an impossible thing. Humans have come so far from back when we were, well, whatever we were.  I’m just really upset right now.

It’s like I can’t even post my opinions on the internet anymore. The whole point of posting opinions on the internet is to rant and vent your frustrations knowing that there might possibly be people who agree with you, and if there are, you can join a group chat and bitch about the thing you hate together! Which is great.

I am not a respectful person, I am a rude twat who complains and hates on everything. In fact, I’d go so far as to say I enjoy being a twat because being rude is bEING MYSELF.

I HATE SUCCUMBING TO PEER PRESSURE. I HATE THE OUTDOORS. I FIND OVEREXERTING YOUR BODY POINTLESS. I AM NOT AN ARTSY FART. I DON’T ENJOY THE GUILT THAT COMES WITH FEELING OBLIGATED TO DO SOMETHING FOR SOMEONE; AND I STRONGLY BELIEVE THAT I SHOULD SAY NO TO WHATEVER  WHENEVER I DAMN WELL FEEL LIKE IT, REGARDLESS OF WHAT PEOPLE MIGHT THINK.

I LOVE MOVIES. I ENJOY LISTENING TO FILM SCORES AND SOUNDTRACKS. I THOROUGHLY LOVE THE FEELING OF BEING ABSORBED IN A BOOK. MINIMALIST ART IS THE ONLY KIND I ENJOY. I THINK CONQUERING MOUNTAINS AND SHIT IS WEIRD.  AND THERE IS NOTHING IN THE WORLD I APPRECIATE MORE THAN SOLITUDE AND PRIVACY.

I think I just wrote the most accurate About Me in the history of my life.  Whoop dee doo.

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