vulnerable [vuhl-ner-uh-buh l]


1.capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon:a vulnerable part of the body. to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.:an argument vulnerable to refutation; He is vulnerable to bribery.

Recently I was told by a certain someone to go fuck myself.
I’m joking. What he said was much worse.
He told me that, basically, I would never have the ideal friendship I wanted if I didn’t show vulnerability and OPEN UP, IMMEDIATELY! Not those exact words, but it was implied.
After comparing my friendship and his friendship with Person X, he pretty much said that I wasn’t putting enough effort into being a good person and getting over my past and the trauma I experienced with K. Sorry, my friend, but not everyone gets over things like that that quickly. Maybe I’ll never get over it. Maybe I’ll have to live with this gaping sore that will never heal. That’s my problem.
I get that you’re trying to convert me and to get me to see things from your point of view so you get a free pass to heaven and all, I don’t know how it works but I think you’re doing it wrong. I don’t feel enlightened, I am furious at how inconsiderate and insensitive you are. You heartless motherfucker, so busy preaching and educating yourself you’ve forgotten what it’s like to be human, and that other people have feelings too. And that no one thinks exactly like you do.
I’m really not one to talk, but I personally feel that it is very fucked up to pressure people into changing, even if it will, OF COURSE, improve their lives and change their world. That is, in a nutshell, peer-pressuring. Oh, you’re not a bully? Only bullies do that? But that is exactly what you’re doing here, pal. You can’t change someone or something that doesn’t want to or isn’t ready for that change. If you force a caterpillar out of its cocoon before its time, it will die. If you can’t stand what someone is doing to themselves, do what I did; leave.
The best part about this was that you genuinely thought you had the power to inspire me to change and turn my life around. That you thought I couldn’t see how warped your point of view was, by religion and infatuation. You never got over her, you’re still in love, you just won’t admit it. Won’t admit that you can’t see straight because she’s all you ever think about. And so you keep comparing our relationships, yours, mine and hers. It’s not the same. Because I’m not the one who is hopelessly in love.
I consider people who lie to themselves the most dishonest of all. That you can’t even admit you’re infatuated with someone.
Love is not acceptance. Acceptance is just acceptance. Love is more than that. I hope one day you experience what it is.
I’m not the most open person in the world, I know that. I don’t like talking about how I feel, because I feel as though it is akin to showing weakness. I am so afraid of telling things to what might turn out to be the wrong people. The thought of opening up and sharing things from the depths of my soul terrifies me so much. “Opening up” is such a vague term, if you really wanted to know more about me, you’d have had specific questions prepared.
I just really needed to get this off my chest.


I haven’t done one of these since 2011, so why not.

This is basically a mashup of everything that has happened so far, complete with pictures!

A picture is worth a thousand words and I can’t be bothered to even write a hundred.


My (not so baby) brother is getting veryyyy tall.

I hate being alone at Starbucks because I feel like I’m a waste of space (unpopular opinion: their coffee isn’t even that great).

Should seriously do something about my eyebags.

I wish I were still into photography, but those damn hipsters ruined it (I love y’all).

100+ is the only isotonic beverage I will ever consume. Also, A E S T  H E T I C.

I’ve always wanted a Jurassic Park/ World tee. It is the best (long sleeved) tee I own.

I love the lighting in H&M even though everything of theirs looks bad on me.

I love spending time with those girls because you don’t find girls like those every dynasty.

You rarely ever find an Indian guy with a mustache and who writes beautiful poetry and listens to Radiohead.

I had mybugerlab for the first time (#penanglang) and idk how I feel about it tbh.

I  had Johnny Rocket’s for the first time.

I am also very fat.

This post did not turn out as planned but I might as well post it since I’ve come this far already.



ave atque vale

Cliches are the only thing I have left.

I would like to make this blog private, but what’s the point if you have subscribers anyway. Yay me. I don’t mind you reading this, but please don’t ever bring this up in person. This was written when I was feeling too little and too much all at the same time and needed an outlet in which to vent. And who knows, maybe in a month or two I’ll look back on this and laugh. I doubt it. 

I can’t believe I’m writing this, but it’s 3am and I feel as though I have no one else to talk to.

I can’t believe I lost you, my friend.

I never thought it would be you. I thought we’d always be together.

I can’t believe I was foolish enough to think we were a team. I can’t believe I thought I was irreplaceable.

And worst of all, I can’t believe I forgot that people change and have every right to. I lost myself in this deluded fantasy where everything would be sunshine and daisies as long as we had one another. It was entirely my fault. For thinking I meant as much to you as you did to me. I was clinging on to you like you were a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean. I was so determined to make this last. To prove that I could at least have one proper, perfect friendship. To prove that I wasn’t a total fuckup.

And I thought that, since we’ve made it through all these years, we’d make it to the rest of our lives. How silly I was to not notice your disgust towards me.

This isn’t like me at all. I haven’t made a single lame pun or misspelled anything accidentally-on-purpose. Then again, I don’t really know what I’m like anymore.

I do think it’s for the best. I’ve always yearned to have a friend that I’ve known since my early teens to grow up with. I just forgot that people change and humans are fickle, unpredictable beings.

I never knew you would do things you promised me you wouldn’t.  Or lie to me. Worst of all, I can’t believe how easily I’m letting you go. I thought I never would. But I’ve been proven wrong again.

There comes a time when,  no matter how close you once were, you have to cut that person out of your life. And that’s exactly what happened here. I’m sorry for having ridiculous standards and dignity. I’m sorry I can’t accept what you’re doing with your current significant other. This is chaos, my dear. I know you’re an emotional, sensitive person. But it’s not worth it. It’ll just end up like all your precious previous friendships/relationships. It that obvious.

I can’t do it. I can’t be the one to always initiate the conversations, to call you first, to be the one with the witty/lame jokes, to see you destroy yourself  with him this way. I can’t stand knowing that you really just don’t care. Perhaps you never even did. This is the one thing I feel bad for for trying so hard.

Goodbye, old friend.

Have fun with your current clique of people who can’t take a goddamn joke.

If I’d known all it took to get you was tarot cards, I’d have saved a load of time now wouldn’t I.

Enjoy extreme sensitivity.

Hail and farewell.


Sabotage and self-preservation

I’m slightly outraged at the wordpress app and my internet connection for screwing up and deleting my precious previous post. The edited, refined version that no one ever got to read.
No one but me, that is. But that doesn’t count.

I haven’t read in a while. I haven’t immersed myself in a book for hours, like the way I used to. I haven’t bought a book since last year. And ever since my ipad died, I haven’t been downloading new reading material either. For someone who likes escaping reality, it’s incredible how I’ve survived this long.

I’ve just finished reading a very average, very teen book. It’s nothing extraordinary, your typical sappy YA bullshit but for some reason I’m in tears. I’m actually crying over a book again. And I can’t believe this.
Continue reading


is this pink too pink?

I’m sorry for the extremely long hiatus and the amount of unpublished posts on my phone, tumblr, and um, notebook.

I’ve also forgotten how to change the little wordpress icon to a pic of me so I’ll work on that.

The reason I haven’t been blogging my days away (AHA lol) is because I’ve actually had a (pretty much) full-time job since last year. Well, I did until I quit last month. But it was a truly incredible experience, and I will say this;

Even if I seem like the same person I used to be, trust me, I see the world differently now.

For starters, it’s much more bitter. And cold. And lonely. And then you remember you can never trust friends because they will always, always leave you in the end.

I worked at a pet store for like 9 months and wow.

I learned how to groom dogs properlyish, to deal with difficult customers, some basic accounting, first aid for little creatures, and how to tie a fish’s plastic baggie.

I guess I could tell you about the guy who used to come in every week and ask me why I was working there and not pursuing a modelling career (lol), the lady who only ever bougth bacon-flavored jerky sticks, and the very knowledgeable gentleman who taught me about nature; of how he could make anything grow and blossom, from dogs to cats to fish to trees.

But then I thought, nah, that would take too long, and I want to save them for my old age and have nothing better to do than reminisce about the past.

The first month was awkward.

The second month was a lil uncomfortable.

And by the third I was getting the hang of things and learning how to creatively swear freestyle.

But mostly it was just me wondering who would really miss me if I killed myself and if you no one acknowledges the fact that you exist, do you really exist at all?

I read that in a book and I can’t remember which one and I own a shit ton of books and it’s fucking me up.

Basically, I’ve been thinking, how many people would miss me if I weren’t around anymore? And how easy it is to completely reinvent a new personality for yourself to go with your new life and new family and friends. And thinking about oblivion. And how no one ever really feels for you what you feel for them. I think too much and feel even more. And I honestly don’t think there’s anyone willing to do for me what I’d do for them, because now that I finally face the facts; I am not a good person.

I guess you could call me a decent person at best, but if you think about it, I am so good at bullshitting myself into believing I even am one. I just did. I’m not a nice person either, after what I’ve experienced with previous friends and relationships, yeah, I am a pretty shit person. I have never helped a friend of mine as much as they have helped me. I’ve never been particularly supportive or encouraging them in whatever they do. I don’t ever seem to be there when they need to talk to someone. And at times I don’t even know what we are anymore.

Imagine a year of total isolation from the circle of friends you used to call you own.

Imagine that + the usual teenage angst x100

And seeing them change so so much, becoming bigger and brighter as people while you’ve kind of just reverted into what you used to be before them and even worse.

I eventually got fed up of being alone and decided that even if I can’t live in the same neighborhood as the fam, then I might as well make up with them and have one of those lil online friendships. So I started to talk to them again, out of the blue, and strangely enough they let me back in.

Then I realized I have trust issues. After a chit chat with NMR we realized I don’t like letting people know how I feel. And I guess I don’t, I don’t like people knowing how I feel, or talking about my feelings.

And then I remembered why.

#tbt 2011ish or so, I met this INCREDIBLE downright amazing girl, and talking to her was the highlight of my day. I know, I know, get a life right but I swear at the time I thought she was the best thing to ever happen to me. And perhaps someday I’ll reflect upon life and think, yes, that thing needed to happen. not tonight tho lol .

We talked EVERY. DAY. or night. she was the only person who kept the same hours I did, she exposed me to things I never even imagined existed, she made me laugh, and cry (happy happy tears) and it got to a point where I honestly thought I’d found a friend for life and it would be safe enough to share my deepest emotions and opinions and views on life.

That kind of blew up in my face and ended with her saying that she thinks I thought we were closer than we actually were. Sorry I can’t remember the exact words because I was too busy curling into a ball and trying to breathe.

When I was in primary school, I got sent to the head counsellor because everyone thought there was something wrong with me because I was moody all the time. Though I told them that was just part of my personality, no one bought it. Madam then decided then my problem was that I bottle up all my emotions and thus appear stuck up snob to the other girls. That’s why no one liked me.

As I was sobbing on my bedroom floor, gasping for air, I was reminded of that moment and my determination to stay that way, merely because I didn’t see the point of people knowing so much about me.

moral of the story is people gon fuck u up and the b est thing u can do is proooobably not shove walk up to them the next time you see them in public, give them the biggest smile you can muster and go, “HEYYY, HOW ARE YOU? Haven’t seen you in like ages omg” because trust me seeing that expression is not worth it, it will not give you the pleasure or satisfaction you desired, or any satisfaction really.

I don’t even know what I’m talking about anymore really, but it’s been like 3 years and every time ~ feelings ~ are brought up in the group chat or irl I die a little inside and glance around quickly to see if there’s anything I can use to change the topic.

Because I don’t want to be reminded of the fact that there is a tiny bit of my soul I’ve exposed and given away and can never get back.

And it hurts, being too afraid to even tell your therapist how you feel. Terrified of being judged, or worse, letting someone in and having the same thing happen all over again.

I’ve had the same best friend for the past 5 years and even she admits she doesn’t know me that well.

And I’m terrified of it happening again. Though I’ve forgiven her, I don’t think I’ll ever be able to forgive myself, for being such a disgusting human being, unworthy of her friendship because she is one of the loveliest people I’ve ever met and everyone agrees and she is so open-minded and kind so how bad a person am I that she can’t even stand being around me?

so yeah. that’s life. pills and online friendships.


Oh yes anti-depressants don’t do shit except make you sleepy and crave cheese. St John’s wort does the same minus the cheese cravings, so fuck herbal remedies too I guess.

And fuck feeling insecure and feeling like no one really loves you because after all, why love your own firstborn child when you can just bloody well adopt someone else’s?

Why not?

Why not treat them the way I’ve always wanted to be treated, and accept me at my worst the way you do to them. I guess it’s easier because you didn’t raise them. This is unfair and unkind on so many levels because I don’t have anyone willing to do what you do for her for me.

And I’ve filled that void inside me with feelings of self pity and loathing, and feeling bad for yourself all the time? Almost every waking moment? That’s not healthy. Trying to do something about it but unable to because what’s the fucking point? That’s even worse.

Eh yeah besides letting people treat me like shit and feeling sorry for myself, there isn’t much going on, I guess.

Only now I think I’ve a clearer idea of what I want to do in life now.

and it’s not going to involve bottling up my emotions.

I’m also into that 90’s alternative thang again. Honestly I’m just into anything on the radio that’s not ads at 3am





I’m listening to kpop fuck my life.

There were tons of little minor hiccups during the journey to MYC, but I’m not gonna focus on that~

I’m joking lol of course I am.

First of all, my mom got me a ticket for the most awful bus going down to KL mmkay, as if taking a bus in the sweltering afternoon wasn’t enough, my mom unfortunately got conned and so I had to take this bus that was literally falling apart + was 45 minutes late + refused to budge till it got as many passengers as possible. Yeah, one of those. Thanks mom. But I eventually reached 1U at about 9ish. I was so tired and stiff and sore and I injured my shoulder while sleeping on that piece of shit bus. Thankfully, it got better before camp.


Charmiane’s mom works in the hotel line apparently and so she’d booked a room at this really swanky hotel which was originally for Charmiane’s family but we stayed there instead. IT WAS SO COOL. I wish I’d taken pictures. We also had a really nice dinner with them at this restaurant that was walking distance from the hotel THE FOOD WAS SO GOOD. The fish porridge is to die for. I’m still crying over what a beautiful meal that was. It was kind of like our last supper, if I’d known I would have suffered so much at camp, I’d have savored every mouthful. *muffled sobbing*

Also Charmiane had some crisis to deal with on the phone, she was chatting for a good solid HOUR or so. K and I and her (Chow chow’s) family just sat around watching TV and being extremely  giggly because of the chicken and rice wine soup we had for dinner. AND WE WATCHED SUPERNATURAL WHICH WAS GOOD YES WE FANGIRLED OVER DEAN AND HIS PRETTY PRINCESS EYES.

The next morning, I woke up before everyone else, and decided to have one last hot shower since K told me that there wouldn’t be any at camp. It was such a good shower. God.

Being the genius I am, I decided that, after showering and getting dressed, I could take a nap before C’s dad picked us up for camp. LOL BIG MISTAKE I FUCKING OVERSLEPT K AND C HAD BREAKFAST WITHOUT ME AND I WAS STARVING BUT WE WERE LATE AND C’S DAD WAS PRETTY LATE AND THERE WAS NOTHING TO EAT I SUCK.

By the time we got there it was like 11 and registration thingy closed at, like, 12. We couldn’t find the damn place because Waze was being a bitch and there were no signs leading to the bloody place. The only sign we found was this A4-sized one literally 10 metres from our destination. We should really be thanking the bored security guard for giving us great directions. S/O TO BORED SECURITY GUARD @ UPM!

We got there, we bumped into Luqman and the cats there, we got our room keys, we cried over the state of our rooms, etc.

I’m not even going to elaborate on the rooms. They were so sad. And dusty. Naga was there in the good year nineteen’99. We were also blessed with peeling paint and graffiti. One of the ones adorning the wall next to Claire’s bed featured this creepy girl watching you sleep. It was lovely. I actually kind of miss it now, even though it was more a changing room than a bedroom. 

And so we moved into someone else’s room. 3 girls we’ve known for less than 8 hours and we’re already sharing a room to sleep in huh girls really do share everything. There were 5 of us and eventually everyone fell asleep so I was stuck with this weirdo Justine and we spent the rest of the night talking about dumb girly things like boys and bras and periods. *giggles* We also told ghost stories. fun fun fun.

Basically camp was weird as hell. My mom had almost had a heart attack when she found out there was no adult supervision like mom pls there were a bunch of kids in their 20s whats the worst that could possibly happen??

I’m gonna do the bullet point thing I do when I’m too lazy to elaborate.

  1. I was in one of the best groups of ALL TIME even though the leader dude was so kiasu he was a pain
  2. I got food poisoning WHICH SUCKED also I was starving because I was fussy and didn’t eat the oily rice and I was dumb and didn’t bring my own food and yeah. But I was one of the few people who got sick so maybe I have a very weak immune system idk.
  3. I had to dance which was fun even though I am, without a doubt, the worst dancer on the planet. Some genius in my group decided to do Waka Waka for Talent Night (which was extremely entertaining) so I had to be a good sport and go along with it.
  4. I actually enjoyed most of the activities they were pretty fun yaaayyy
  5. The speakers for some of the sessions were rather condescending so boooo
  6. There wasn’t much running or outdoor stuff! That was great. Didn’t stop me from sweating like some gross man though.
  7. I got to plant a plant on one of the most disappointing field trips ever. And I had great juice @ the plant place aka fruit farm

I also met really wonderful people, I’d say that was the only really awesome thing about camp. The late nights and the zombie mornings. I met K and C’s friends from last years’ MYC, and they are such funny people and so gorgeous I was literally surrounded by pretty girls and one can only feel so sick when one is surrounded by attractive peoples. (◡ ‿ ◡ ✿)

On our last night there we came up with the brilliant idea of staying up all night doing stupid things. BECAUSE IT WAS OUR LAST NIGHT, YA FEEL? I know walking around haunted university campuses at 4am with people you barely know probably isn’t a good idea, but it seemed like a superb plan at the time. And it was fun. And playing truth or dare with strangers is fun. And starving in the middle of the night is fun. And getting high off coke is fun (high ie sugar high and Coca-Cola, not actual cocaine). And dealing with a friend with a concussion was not fun at all.

If I had to come up with a tagline for our last day, it’d be “ROOM FULL OF SWEATY TEENS IN SWEATERS”. Though really, Karen and I were the only ones in sweaters. It was hell.

Oh yes, I somehow ended up back in our room that morning, I have absolutely no idea how I got there. Apparently I woke up in the middle of the night (us geniuses decided to all sleep on the cold, hard basketball court bloody brilliant I tell you these kids are the future.) and went around looking for my slippers which some idiot was using as a pillow. And then I somehow made my way back up to the dorms, into our room.

The closing ceremony thing was rather lame. I guess, because I’m not a huge fan of cheesiness and crying, I found it very lame. But some people were bawling heh good for them I guess.

OKAY *deep breath* THERE WAS THIS DOCTOR LOVE BOX WHERE YOU COULD WRITE TO DOCTOR LOVE AND CONFESS/HOOK PEOPLE UP (MYC peeps are cool like that, they don’t want you to end up alone, love you guys, muah!). And so I set Karen up with NMR (Naked Mole Rat/Luqman the Homeschooler) and it was adorable, they were supposed to slow dance but NMR isn’t allowed to, like, intimately touch people, so he was doing THE coolest no-touchy dance. And the look K gave me was incredible. She was really working her #Fierce. I also made ChowChow get with mah group leader and it was so sweet awwh it was worth the glares~~~


Karen and I were the last ones to leave, my uncle had trouble finding the damn place, and so we listened to some indie music and said goodbye to everyone which was sad I guess. Meh. We drove K aaaaaaall the way back to PD and I was so exhausted I just fell asleep and didn’t stir till they shook me awake for some coconut shake which was actually pretty tasty, even though I hate coconut. Then we had dinner at PD Restaurant and I guess it was good idk there was seafood which was good I guess. AND THEN KAREN AND I HAD TO SAY OUR GOODBYES.

And then I passed out again and slept for the 2 hours it took us to get back to KL.

I think I just lazed around the next day and on TUESDAY WE WENT TO SUNWAY LAGOON!!! SUCH an improvement from the last time I went with K, we were supposed to celebrate K’s brother’s birthday, but her brothers didn’t want to go on some of the rides and cried during the horror house (Karen wasn’t with us because she was shirtless and they have a very strict no shirt no service rule) so we had to leave. Trivia time!

  • they have a bunch of emergency exits all over the place, for people who chicken out
  • It was not scary at all but little kids have an overactive imagination so it was probably terrifying to them
  • Thank God for guys who are good at consoling little boys like thank u random guys behind us who tried your best to “protect” the boys from the zombies

!!!!!!! THE WAVE POOL WAS HELLA RAD !!!!!!!!!

Unfortunately little boys do not enjoy loud music and waves. So we had to leave.

By then it was like 5 and they had to go anyway and so I bid Karen farewell for the last time. 😥

I won’t get to see her again until next year. meh.


The day after that I met up with Claire at 1U! We had juice (the Apricot Delight at Juiceworks is the yummiest thing ever, even though I can never finish my juice, I finished it that one time!) and chatted about stuff and I miss her so much ahhh.  Even though I only got to see her for a couple of hours, I’m satisfied eh.

Aaaand that’s it. We took the midnight bus back to Penang and it rained and I had the entire back row of seats to myself. Mwahahahaha. I fell asleep within half an hour though. Boo.

That’s it.

AU REVOIR, dumdums.


Ich bin da an deiner seite.

H E L L O  W O R L D

I’m procrastinating again.

I should be blogging about camp because camp was T O T A L L Y awesome. Hahah.

I was being sarcastic.

Seeing as I haven’t written in ages, I expect this post to be a huge train wreck filled with bad puns and lame humour.


Dear Karen,


WORDS CANNOT BEGIN TO EXPRESS MY (non-romantic completely platonic) FEELINGS FOR YOU.

It’s been 6 years since the day I met you, and you have turned my dull, black & white silent film into a 3D Technicolor movie. With extra buttery popcorn.

The reason I’m writing this now is because you won’t be the same person a year from now, Ecuador will probably change you A LOT, and this is just a farewell message I guess.

I never truly realized how alone I was until I met you, I thought I was invincible and I didn’t need friends or anything. I was basically Rae Earl only worse. If I hadn’t taken that one extra step and tried my hardest to be friends with you, I would have missed out on a lot of life lessons and $uper ko0l teenage experiences.

this is starting to sound cheesy and im tearing up and ohmygod.

And I know we’re not as close anymore, and that tbh we have nothing in common and we never did, but I remember those days so so well and I always will. You were a huge chunk of my life, and six years is a long time. I still remember the day when you called me your best friend, and that was one of my greatest life achievements. like wow I got to be someone’s best friend FOR LYFE. I’d never been that before.

I think what was truly amazing was how you made me open up and want to change. You made me come out of my “emo freak” shell and you forced me into situations out of my comfort zone and I don’t think you realize how much you have helped me. I mean, yes, if I feel like being pessimistic and petty, I could talk about all those times you made my life a huge pain in the ass, but it was all worth it.


Maybe Guten Tag will be our Always.

Maybe Guten Tag will be our Always.

The day we met;


The version Karen likes telling people is that, the first time we met at a homeschooling seminar/talk thing, I bought a cupcake from her booth, took a bite, proclaimed it as inedible and threw it on the floor.

That is not what happened.

See, the way I see it, I was nervous and shy and so came off as moody and rude. I bought a cupcake because I wanted to support her, but then I didn’t know how to talk to her and so continued sulking. With my cupcake. Unfortunately, after tasting it and developing, like, 5 cavities within a minute, it slipped out of my hand (damn greasy thing) and fell on the floor. I DID NOT MEAN TO THROW IT, IT SLIPPED.

To this day I still swear that the bloody cupcake leaped out of my hand because it strongly disliked me. I. DID. NOT. THROW. IT. I WANTED TO BE YOUR FRIEND, KAREN, A PART OF ME REALLY DID WANT TO TRY.


6 years later, we’ve both changed (OK FINE KAREN WAS THE ONLY ONE WHO CHANGED SHE GREW A FOOT TALLER AND GOT HOT WTF) but, surprisingly enough, we’re still friends.

Friendly reminder that we have absolutely nothing in common. She likes depressingly realistic novels, I love fictional fantasy. She likes tea, I prefer coffee. She loves bright, colourful things. I do not.

We’ve been through the usual ups and downs of friendship, only ours were at least 10x worse and I think it’s because Karen is a Pisces and they’re all sensitive and emotional like that. Also I’m an Aquarius, which doesn’t exactly help with the whole friendship thing.  Heheh if you believe in that sort of thing. I’m not going to go into all those times where I thought we’d never talk again, because it still hurts and deep down inside I know it only hurts this much because the things you say when you’re angry are the things you really feel deep, deep inside.